I've been accepted for a PGCE course, hurrah! So I've got one year's training starting in September and then hopefully I'll be a fully qualified secondary school teacher. It feels great knowing my future is starting to form in front of me, and I'm still excited about teaching (I give it about 5 minutes of being in control of a class for that to die).

Also moved in with the girlfriend, so NG is taking a major backseat while we sort everything out. Probably a permanent back seat, but its been a good 5 years of wasting my life, its time I focused on the real world for a while.

This is my entry for this months competition. It is probably pretty much finished, with perhaps a few minor alterations when I come back and look at it in a few days. Generally speaking I'm pleased with it though, and it is about as real as it gets as much of it is based on experiences I have had myself.

All comments and criticism welcome!

UPDATED VERSION!!!!

Solitude

The staircase stretched upwards into the darkness, an endless spiral of creaking wooden boards and rusted iron nails. Blackness surrounded him both above and below, smothering him with its seemingly infinite and impenetrable range. The distant floor beneath him was little more than a fading memory, long invisible, only a trace of the hell that lay there lingering in his mind. Far above he could hear the heavenly sounds of friends and family, shouts and screams of joy almost forgotten and yet so familiar. Sounds he so desperately wanted to touch and embrace to the very core of his soul.

The air around him was like treacle, thick and sticky, grasping his limbs and trying to pull him down. He continued to climb, each aching footstep harder than the last. Finally the tangled knot of muscles that once formed athletic legs caused him to stumble, one bruised, bare toe catching the corner of the gnarled timber. He stretched out into the void, feeling for a banister he knew he wouldn't find. He never did. Slowly he toppled, fighting his sluggish limbs and yet unable to prevent the inevitable. The joyous sounds from above turned to a cacophony of wails and cries as he fell away from them into the dark, reaching for them, his mouth opening to

Dan awoke, screaming, his stomach feeling as if it had leapt three stories and was now cowering somewhere in the attic. Hands shaking, he reached for the glass of water that stood shimmering in the moonlight bathing his bedside table. Carefully he brought the vessel to his lips, his sweat-laden brow dripping and contaminating the pure liquid with a salty tang. Still, it was refreshing, and he felt the quivering in his gut slowly subside from seismic earthquakes to mere shivers radiating outwards through his limbs.

The room around him was bathed in shadows. Moonlight flooded through a gash in the blind, illuminating the room with the silent night of the outside world. As his senses adjusted to the mottled darkness, and his mind recovered from the shock, he was able to pick out his scant possessions littered like so many autumn leaves on the bare floor. The tiny apartment wasn't much to look at. Naked wooden boards were strewn with clothing and papers, empty drink cans and crisp packets. In daylight the walls were painted a drab brown, but at night they were closer to black. Dashes of silver revealed patches where the paint had peeled away to show the bare plasterwork below. His bed was little more than a stained mattress and pillow tucked against one wall, springs digging painfully into the small of his back. Even the colorful bedclothes that adorned it couldn't disguise its inadequacy. The only other furniture was a large oak wardrobe towering in the far corner, knotted face glaring into the darkness, staring down on him as if it owned the room. Perhaps it did, Dan certainly didn't belong there.

What exactly was he doing here? The university placement was supposed to be an adventure, a journey into the unknown certainly, but one of excitement and exploration in this foreign land. His family had been so supportive, sending him on his way at the airport with waves and good luck messages. Dad had a look of pride written all over his wizened face. Mum was smiling, tears running down her rosy cheeks, clutching him until the very last moment, unwilling to let her boy go. Dan could still picture them so easily, so close and yet so far away. Three weeks ago now felt like a different world.

A scratching sound from the corner snapped him from his reverie. He wasn't completely alone after all, the mice were a constant reminder of just how far from home he was. Sitting up he flicked on the electric lamp that lay propped on the floor, sending his furry companions skittering away into the shadows. The neon yellow light revealed a small stack of well-thumbed color photos, edges frayed and smeared from eager and greasy fingers. Uppermost was a creased image showing a young man of average build, blond hair untidily arranged above a tanned and smiling face. A motley crew of young men and women, brought together by the identical uniforms they were sporting, surrounded him.

Unfortunately friends had not been thrust upon him so readily here. His work colleagues were cardboard cutouts, minds so defiled by tedium that conversation had long become extinct. Hands now worked by repetition and instinct alone. As days turned to weeks he felt his sluggish mind drawing further into its solitary shell, hiding from the unfamiliar people that occupied this distant land. None of these people were like him, with their peculiar accents and unusual customs. None of them understood him or shared his interests. They were strangers, all of them. Once accustomed to loneliness it only became harder to bridge these differences.

Staring at the pictures he didn't hear the shambling footsteps negotiating the staircase outside and approaching his door. He jumped as a wooden knocking reverberated through the sole entrance to his gloomy cave. This was closely followed by the cracked voice of an elderly lady, another resident of the dilapidated apartment block.

"Dear, I know you're in there, I heard you screaming not long ago. My light has blown and I can't reach to change the bulb. Care to help an old lady, there's a hot drink and company in it for you?"

Embarrassed and shaken by the disturbance Dan remained silent, feigning sleep to detract this unwelcome visitor. He'd seen her in the hallway more than once, a frail and gray individual with peculiar wrinkled features and a musty scent that lingered for hours. In his mind he'd nicknamed her 'The Mole Lady' due to her habit of peering over her narrow glasses at passers by. She'd never spoken to him before, and her accent caught him off guard, a lilting and bright chirp so unlike the ugly vision of her he had in his mind.

"If you change your mind dear mine is room 15, just up the stairs and on the left."

The footsteps receded back up the staircase, each step creaking loudly through the otherwise silent building. Dan lay silent for a few moments, making sure she was gone, his hammering heart slowly returning to its normal drumming rhythm. Why would he want to help the old bat? He didn't owe her anything Dan rationalized, nor did he fancy the idea of spending any time with her. No doubt her place would smell as bad as she did, and she'd be full of droning tales of 'the good old days'. The mice were all the company he needed. Carefully he reached for the light switch and returned to sleep.

The voices above were closer than ever. He could hear his mother calling his name, his father cheering every step. Peering upwards he strained to see them, to find their gentle features in the darkness. But all that stretched before him were more stairs, ever onwards, an endless spiral of despair. He was muttering under his breath, determined not to fall this time. Each echoing footstep brought him closer to them. But just as he felt he was going to see them around the very next corner, the rickety wooden boards gave way and

He awoke with a start, sweat once again soaking through his pajamas. His heart was hammering against his ribs like a pneumatic drill, the constant thump reverberating through his skull. Slowly he regained his bearings, his eyes growing accustomed to the gloom. He was still here. The disappointment was overwhelming. They had felt so close, just for a moment. Shutting his eyes he could almost smell his mother's perfumed embrace. Silent tears began to slip down his ashen cheeks.

Carefully Dan got out of bed and reached for his jacket. Throwing it over his sweat soaked shoulder, he carefully navigated his way around the debris on the floor, careful not to trip. There had been enough falling for one night. The mice in the corner scratched questioningly, unused to such nocturnal activity from their normally docile roommate.

Through the door and along the hall, Dan found himself at the bottom of the rickety wooden stairs. Nervously he looked up into the darkness, the sounds of an ancient TV drifting down from the room above. The tiniest flicker of a smile crossed his lips.

Slowly he began to climb.

I don't know what drove you to do it, and I don't know why, but I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone to talk to. To think I've been meaning to call you up these last few weeks, now it's too late. Sorry we lost contact these last couple of years, you were always a really great friend and I'll miss you.

I'm applying to be a teacher at the moment (secondary school biology/general science), so anyone browsing this page feel free to leave comments about teachers you have had, teachers you hate, teachers you like, and what I should do once I am a teacher! Any creative punishments I can level on unsuspecting students??

Copy and pasted from here. It is 100% true, and I hope it explains my frequent absences the last 6 months, and possibly a few angry responses to people I have made in the forums. I apologise for those, and I hope you know they are out of character. A few of you know some of the details, none of you know all of them.

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I don't want to speak ill of my father. When I was growing up he was my best friend, my role model, and the one person in this world I most wanted to be like. We spent hours watching sport together, chatting together about everything and anything. I thought he was the best Dad in the world. He supported me through school, helped me when I was struggling with something, or upset about something, and was the driving force behind where I am today. Some would say he pushed me, I would say he was proud of me and wanted me to go as far as I could, and I want to think I have made him proud.

As the years went by he spent less and less time at home. I knew he was driven by his work, he was immensely proud of the work he did (a cancer researcher, who in his latter years was head of biology at UCL, and now has 5 separate drugs in clinical trials for various cancer types), and he travelled a great deal for that work. I didn't question it.

When I was 16 (7 years ago now) I discovered he was having an affair. I don't know if he wanted me to find out, he gave me his email password so that I could use his account, back in the days I didn't use the internet and had no email address. I stumbled across an email addressed to him from a woman I didn't recognise, and curious about the title I opened it.

We never talked about it, and I even convinced myself that he was in the right. My Mum can be hard to live with at times, and I thought maybe he deserved a chance with someone else. I was always much closer to my Dad than my Mum, and I simply couldn't bring myself to blame him. I didn't get chance to resent him for not being at home as I left for university at 18, to Bath, the same place he and my Mum had studied. I didn't know if my Mum knew, or my younger sister, and we simply never spoke of it.

On the 23rd of May this year my Dad died of a heart attack, with no warning, at the age of 49. He was in good shape, didn't smoke, hardly drank, and had a reasonable diet. The pathology report said it was simply bad luck, though possibly stress had been a factor. There was also a genetic link that may also affect me.

After 6 years of hiding his secrets I had a chat with my Mum. The affair had been going on for 10 years, and she had known about it from the start. The other woman was his secretary, and they had been living together for some time. My Mum had hidden it from us for that entire time, not knowing that I knew (and my sister had also found out independently 3 years ago). Every day, once we had gone to school, she would sit at home and cry her eyes out. The only thing stopping her from throwing him out was us, and I guess the hope that he would someday come around and come back to us.

His other woman had a family of her own, two kids who are now 10 and 8 from a previous relationship. I find it very hard thinking that they saw my Dad more than we did, and got what I used to have, and could have still had. I'm sure he loved us, but it wasn't a love I was willing to share.

He had lied to us, to the other woman, and to work for that entire time, sometimes for no reason at all. He even told my Mum that he had told us about his affair, which he never did, and made her even more distraught. My fathers family is deeply religious (something my Mum's side very much isn't), and his Dad (my grandfather) would never have spoken to him again had he known. When my grandfather passed away last year my father tried to arrange a meeting with his other woman and my Nan. She threw him out. For the last year of his life my Dad had been telling my Nan that he wanted to move back to Devon to look after her, his other woman that he wanted to move to Devon with her, and my Mum that he wanted to move there with her, apparently reconciling his differences, or so my Mum thought. I don't know if he was just confused, or whether he had grown so used to lying that he didn't know when to stop.

I loved my Dad, and it hurts me deeply to think that I didn't really know him at all. I never would have thought he could lie to us, or hurt us the way he did. He had a whole other personality that I never knew existed. The man I knew was the best father in the world, and I want to remember him like that. I regret not confronting him about everything, and I regret not talking to my Mum- we are now closer than we have ever been thanks to all of this, and I can only imagine the pain she has been through all these years protecting myself and my sister.

He was my role model. I don't want to be like him anymore.

Not going to be here for a while (at least a few weeks, maybe longer).

A long time since I posted anything here, so I thought I'd give a brief update on life and things...

I'm still at university not failing (yeah, I'm amazed as well...). In fact I now have just two more months of student life left before I set out into the big wide world. I've already committed to staying in Bath again next year though, so all I need to do now is find a job. It probably won't be anything I intend to stay doing, but I need a year to sit back and relax a bit after almost 20 years of education! After that who knows?

I'm still off to Indonesia in the Summer- how long for is dependent on a medical next week. If I pass (it will basically come down to my asthma, which is extremely mild), then I'll be able to dive while I am there, and therefore stay 4 weeks longer. Otherwise it will just be 4 weeks in the jungle, which is still pretty awesome. I should be fine for the diving I think, but *fingers crossed* anyway.

And far and away the most important thing in my life at the moment is Emma (who I briefly mentioned in my last post). Our relationship is going from strength to strength, despite the distance, so all you will get out of me at the moment is smiles =D. Once again I've landed on my feet and found someone really amazing.

Also...

Come on you GREENS!

Ugh, I'm sick of seeing all that text in my profile, and there is no way I'll ever get around to finishing it anyway, so time for a new post :)

So I'm back at university, and indeed have been for a full month now. Life is going pretty well, but being a final year student (studying biology) I have absolutely no free time whatsoever. Which would be why I'm not about on NG too much these days :(. I do read through a few threads from time to time though, so don't think I'm away completely, I'm watching you...

If that wasn't enough of a drain on my time I'm also playing water polo for the university again, my second season in the team. We've got off to a good start with a win last week, so the season is looking up. Training is most nights of the week though, so not as much time for consumption of alcoholic beverages as I would like! (note, no fines for me there- check out 'gentleman's consumption laws' if confused)

And to top it all off I'm seeing a young lady from near Inverness in Scotland :) (though she is English originally, she made it quite clear I should point that out...). The distance is a pain admittedly, but that means when we do see each other it is all the better. Plus it only costs £20 to fly from Inverness to Bristol, bargain!

Which all adds up to no NG time, but then that is hardly the end of the world. I'll be around every now and again :)

Off to Gran Canaria (in the Canary Islands) tomorrow, until next Sunday. Plenty of lazing around on beaches and drinking awaits =D

Yeah, next Tuesday (the 31st) I will be leaving sunny Colorado for the large puddle that is England. As my parents are flying out to here on Wednesday to help me get my stuff back (and for a bit of tourism), I thought I'd write this now while I have chance.

My NG time is going to be seriously reduced, probably for the best given how much time I have spent on here the last 10 months. The connection at my parents house is dreadful, and I'll be busy 99% of the time anyway.

Then it will be back to University at the end of September (just in time to get drunk for my 22nd birthday on the 30th), and I'll have a better connection, so I'll be around more, depending how much work I have to do. Might actually have to do something besides getting drunk for my final year...

So just a little heads up in case anyone misses me (as if!).